BUILDING A HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM

BUILDING A HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM

Salute Mon ami,
Before you get carried away by my choice of pictures which I think fits perfectly for this post and write up by my "girlfriend" , I want you to keep an open mind on what you are about to read.

I once heard the story of a teenage girl who got pregnant in my neighbourhood. Initially, the young man who impregnated her had denied the pregnancy but after having it forced on him, he ran away, leaving the young girl with her baby, no job, no money and a half-completed education.

This is very sad, but what is more saddening is why she had engaged in the activities leading up to her teenage pregnancy.

According to her, she didn’t think any guy would ever find her attractive. She didn’t see herself as an attractive girl. As a result, she saw it as a ‘privilege’ to eventually be in a relationship with someone, anyone and because she didn’t want to lose him, she didn’t refuse when he started making sexual advances.

When I heard her story, I could only blame one thing – low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is having a negative perception of yourself. It is not seeing anything good in yourself or seeing yourself as inferior to others simply because they have things that you don't have.

These things can be in form of material possessions or even body attributes. So for instance, you may feel inferior to someone else simply because his or her parents are way richer than yours or you may feel intimidated by someone else simply because she looks prettier and gets more compliments or even likes on social media.

Of course, there are a whole lot more causes of  low self esteem beyond social classes and looks, but today,  I'm only going to focus on these two.

I know what low self-esteem feels like because I also struggled with it.

Growing up, I thought I was too black and that some parts of me, (especially my boobs), did not grow the way they were supposed to grow. As a result, I lost my confidence and would hide my body away from everyone, even if I was in a room filled with only girls.

If you are like that too or if for any other reason, you seem to feel intimidated when around your peers, don't worry, you are not alone.

Although, as it was with me, regaining confidence in oneself takes a process, today I'll share a few tips that helped me on my own journey:

1. Confidence is from the inside out:

I remember a particular time I wore a sweater a friend had given me. On it were the words 'IFE LAW'. Now,  because I had finished from OAU, I was aware of how highly esteemed my school was, especially by parents and other people who weren't students.

As a result, I just assumed logically that wearing a sweater with IFE and LAW written on it would earn me a lot of attention and even respect.

Unknowingly to me, what I did that day was putting my confidence in a piece of cloth. I was unconsciously measuring my self worth by two things (a school and a course of study) , simply because they both were prestigious.

Contrary to my expectations though, on that particular day, nobody paid me a single attention. Not one body and it literally felt like someone carried cold water and poured it in my ego.

You see, one common mistake we make is placing our confidence in material possessions. We often define our self worth by what we have, materially. So we think we are better than some other people simply because our house is bigger or because we attend a better school, or because we wear finer dresses or because we drive a car or because we get to travel abroad and they don't.

Our confidence should not be placed in those things. It's okay if you have them, but if you define your self worth by a mere dress, what happens if somehow the dress gets torn? Material possessions are very insubstantial. They can crash, get worn out, fade, get misplaced or even stolen.

The same applies to those of us who don't have these things. Don't feel inferior to your friend, simply because he drives a car and you don't.

Your confidence should not come from anything external. It should come from within. Learn to love yourself as you are and appreciate what you have, no matter how little. Learn to be content, even while you are working for what you want.

2. You are way more than how you look.

Another thing that helped me in building a healthy self-esteem is realizing that I was way more than how I look.

First of all, it's important you realize that there is nothing like a perfect person. The world might have a certain standard of what a beautiful person should look like but that standard only changes with time. So, no matter how you look now (short, too tall, skinny, fat, black), learn to see yourself as beautiful even if no body else agrees with you.

Also, rather than focus on merely being physically beautiful, there are certain other things that you should focus more on developing. These things include: an intimate relationship with God, a good character, an intelligent mind and making impact in the lives of those around you

Haven't you ever seen someone who is so physically attractive, but has the worst character there is. Do you ever feel like hanging out with such person again? How about someone who is so beautiful but you can't even have an intelligent conversation with?

This goes on to show that there is so much more you need to develop beyond your looks. Physical beauty is skin deep. It will fade with time. A person who has these other things is way more beautiful than someone who only adorns herself outside.

3. Learn to maintain the little things you have.

This one is for those of us who don't have so much. I realized that some of the times I felt quite inferior to my peers were the times when I wore dresses that were probably torn or faded to events. Even if the tear is not visible, I would be so conscious of it and would feel so bad, since everybody else in my mind looked so classy and sparkly.

It was from those experiences I learnt that taking good care of the little things you have go a really long way.

Learn to wash your clothes and iron them before going for any outing. If your button is ripped, make sure you fix it before stepping out. Properly maintain your shoes and bag too, so they don't spoil quickly. Just look good when you go out,  even with those few things you have.

That way,  no one will perceive you as inferior or intimidate you anyhow.

4. Work for what you want.

If there is any result you want to get. Anything you want to achieve work for it.

I learnt from my self-esteem journey that it is very easy to hide under excuses. So for instance,  I could just say 'My parents don't have a car. That's why I can't drive.' or 'We never used fork and knife in my house. That's why I can't use it.'

Truth is, some excuses are very tenable but they shouldn't limit you.

If you feel intimidated by those who speak really good English and you can't, why not find someone who can teach you? If you want to lose some weight,  you can also find out ways to work out and start. Whatever you want, work for it.

5. Know your identity and self-worth:

The last tip I'll share on building a healthy self esteem is to know your identity and self-worth.

Even though, this comes last, it really is the most important.

It answers the question 'who are you?' and answering that helps you to shapen how you see and consequently carry yourself.

WRITTEN BY-- Seun Olagunju of www.seunolagunju.com.ng
IG:@seunolagunju


PHOTOGRAPHY BY- FALCON ART

MODEL- ME